When I’m busy and fulfilled with other areas of my life, the panic and grief of not having a baby in my arms melts into the background.
But it’s like snow gently falling on a mountain. At first it’s just a little, then a little more. Then it’s 30 tons collapsing on itself, burying me at the bottom.
I pray. And I get up again.
I try not to let it show anymore. It brings the disappointment and frustration back up for everyone.
It also brings back the “why can’t you just be happy with what you already have” comment. This comment makes me feel very guilty, because I really do have so much.
Why can’t I be content and move on. I’ve asked. I’ve tried. I’ve laid in my closet floor in the fetal position, for hours, silent screaming for God to take away this overpowering desire. “If I can’t have another baby, please take this burden off my heart”.
I’ve had to write a note to myself, that I put on the cover page of the Bible correspondence course I’m taking, that says ” I’ve been pregnant enough to see the sac 3 times. I WILL be pregnant again”. This has helped me have more patients.
In the past 5 months though, I’ve entered a new phase of grieving. The part where you’re hanging off the cliff by your finger tips and then you suddenly realize it’s not if, it’s when.
I almost know we’re not having another baby. Almost.
We’ve been married 2 years. The first year. Nothing. Then, 2 weeks before our anniversary I was in a health food store, as I usually am lol. I saw vitex. I was compelled, for no conscious reason, to pick it up and add it to the library of supplements I had aquired over the past year to “fix” this issue. I took it everyday.
I happened to be ovulating during our anniversary trip! Woo hoo! Great timing! 2 weeks later, while my husband was at work, both lines showed up!
I took another.
Both lines again, all faint though.
I texted my husband the picture of the test and we were all so excited. But a couple days later I started bleeding.
It was about the time that I should’ve been starting my period.
Everyone said, well I guess you weren’t pregnant after all. But I was.
I knew I was.
Of course I knew. How? Because for a year I peed on sticks every month agonizing over them. Taking pictures of them so I could zoom in and enhance and ask ladies in the ttc (trying to conceive ) forums if they saw anything on those negative test. Pulling them out of the trash to see if I missed it.
Nothing! Until these tests 2 weeks after our first anniversary.
But I read that a lot of women go through this and get pregnant the next cycle.
We lost it too.
Well I read that a lot of women go through this twice and get pregnant right after and stay pregnant.
We did too. This one was different though. I KNEW with my whole heart this was our sticky baby. My symptoms were so intense just 1 1/2 weeks after ovulation. I could barely function I was so sick. Nauseous, extremely bad heartburn,constipation and I could’ve slept round the clock. Not just tired, fall down exhausted. This one was here to stay.
But it wasn’t.
This one was way deep down heartbreaking. Brainbreaking.
Also, terribly physically painful. It felt like my uterus was being torn apart with fish hooks.
About 3 days into bleeding, I went to the bathroom. I felt what I thought was a clot coming down. It stopped, I felt a little pop and a little water.
My heart stopped. There it was. The sac.
I picked it up out of the toilet. I went to the sink and gently ran water over it.
I HAD to see it this time. I found it in the dark red sac. I little light pink sliver with a black dot. It was about the size of a grain of rice.
I considered calling my husband in to see it.
I deeply regret not doing that.
I didn’t because I was scared.
Everyone up to that point tried to tell me I wasn’t miscarrying. That I wanted it so bad it was my imagination that those tests were positive. That faint tests must be negative.
I didn’t call him in because I assumed he wouldn’t believe that it was a baby he was looking at.
That all he would see was his grief stricken desperate wife standing in the bathroom with a handful of blood.
I was not strong enough to do the right thing and call him in to say goodbye to his child.
This preceeded another deep regret.
I flushed it. I FLUSHED IT!
This is a big source of pain for me. Maybe unreasonably, but I can’t completely get rid of it.
Why didn’t I show more gratitude and reverence to my God for creating this tiny human life. I should’ve buried it.
I went on to lose 2 more, but no others were as heartbreaking as this one.
The bleeding lasted 7 days but the cramping lasted about 3 weeks.
I was so physically and mentally drained that it was a total of 5 weeks before I could fully function again.
This one stayed with me.
I beat myself with guilt and grief everday until I saw something about naming lost babies. I thought it sounded touchy feely and dumb. Then I saw the name and knew it was my babies name. For reasons I don’t understand giving this baby a name helped me let go and stop beating myself. Praise the Lord.
People don’t talk about this stuff because it hurts so much to talk about it. I’m talking about it because I had no idea this could happen.
A sweet lady pharmacist said to me ” I’ve never been through loosing a baby, but my sister has. Even though she was not pregnant very long she said , I will be sad forever, that’s so sad!”
Yes I will be sad forever.
I know that losing a baby just a few days after knowing it existed is in no way the same as losing a baby after carrying for several months, or losing a baby after carrying to term. But it was still my baby.
I wanted and loved that baby. God made that human life, it was real.
I am, thankfully now, past the hysterically trying to “fix” it phase of infertility.
If you’ve been through it, you know exactly what I’m talking about. The phase were every thought in your head is about getting that baby! And every time your period starts your spirit is crushed.
Thankfully now I am calm and accepting. Well, mostly accepting. Most days. lol
I usually ask for advice on Mondays. Throughout this TTC experience I have agonized over every corner of the internet to find someone else that has experienced 6 early misscariages ( also called chemical pregnancy) in the space of 1 year. Or experienced 3 back to back. As in 3 in 3 1/2 months. Even if you have found no cause and no solution, just comparing stories would be great.
Thanks for reading.